Due to HIPAA privacy laws and my own comfort, I use incorrect pronouns, such as "they/them/their", "little person" and LO (Little One) to identify our foster child.
I wrote a rough draft of this blog post and it was soo long. I actually even published it but I didn't share it on social media. I had worked on it for 3 hours one morning and was honestly tired of working on it and wanted to get it done and public already. But it wasn't ready. I had this nagging feeling that it wasn't quite right. Even had a few little signs from God telling me "Sometimes ideas and thoughts aren't worth sharing yet." and ya know what? It wasn't so I deleted the post. Here I am again writing again but this time with more patience and clarity.
I want to tell you about how God has worked in our story. Specifically, how we knew we were supposed to become foster parents and that the LO we are blessed to care for was meant to be in our home.
For the better part of last year, I worked really hard with therapy, journaling and talking about my suffering of not getting pregnant among other things. From the anger and grief to the acceptance of allowing God to have control over whether or not my body will conceive. I questioned God, withdrew from Him and eventually started praying and listening for Him again. It felt like He was silent for months but we kept on trucking along with foster care licensing and the break with the fertility treatments. Throughout this whole time, I kept up with journaling and writing my dreams down. The symbols in them and what they could mean.
There were so many water dreams over the course of the past couple of years. Different types of water. There was one dream that I can still run from start to finish in my head with tons of colors and oddly enough, making bread. Biblically speaking, bread can mean gift from God, a reference to Jesus, God's love and care for His people.
I had this very strong urge to go to the beach. I wanted to go soooooo bad. Like, on the verge of tears when I'd think about making sand angels, seeing the ocean drop into the horizon and hearing the waves. We didn't get the opportunity to go but God eventually brought the sea to us.
How did God do that? Glad you asked because I was going to tell you anyway, otherwise this blog post would be pointless. Besides the feeling of absolute certainty that God placed him/her in our home, LO's first name has an obvious synonym for 'water' and means "gift of God/gracious God." Their middle name means "love of God". The child loves rainbows and all colors. I don't believe in coincidences.
I may not feel absolutely certain about many of the "in this season of life" decisions Adam and I make because I have a knack for questioning everything, but God either gives me confirmation or He'll show me to change course.
If the decision can answer 'yes' to two most basic questions I believe God asks us to put into action then I can believe with some certainty we're on the right path. Will the decision allow me to love God with all my heart and will it allow me to love someone else? Um, absolutely and tootalootly. Reflecting on those dreams and journal entries, God gave me the validation…
Hey girl, you are doing what I'm asking of you. Great job!
That validation also encourages me to keep trusting in God, whether I'm angry, sad, happy, confused, whatever emotion I'm feeling for that 15 minutes. And with time, my faith will continue to solidify in that God will make the best decisions for me because I am merely self-righteous flesh on bone with screwed up brain chemicals.
So share your story, what are ways God shows you confirmation that you're doing the right thing? I'd love to read them.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:11-12