I feel like I've shopped all weekend. Is that a bad thing, really? On Saturday night after work, Mr:D and I had a date night at Chili's and Walmart to buy some baby proofing stuff. After church on Sunday, we seen "Instant Family" and Mom and I went today to look around for bedding. It has been a whole weekend of foster care related activities AND shopping.
I had a realization today though while at Target with Mom. We were shopping for the foster kid bedroom and on the lookout for gender neutral night lights, bedding, and "stuffies" for a precious kiddo to snuggle when we came across the little stuffed deer in the picture below. Little fella had $15 written on the price tag. $15 for a damn stuffed animal?
It's because of the government...
...but I fell in love with that little deer. I said outloud to Mom, "I'm buying it because it's for my first kid."
So yeah, I'm shopping and setting up a bedroom FOR OUR KID. It's not "when" or "if" anymore. Taking care of a kid in our house is really happening. Like, think about something you've always wanted...a certain car, traveling to a different country, owning your own home, or ya know, having a kid. That's me. Us. We're going to have a snot nosed little person we have to feed, clothe and keep alive soon.
And I really love it.
Disclaimer: Parental discretion is advised. I want to show you authenticity and stay true to who I am everyday. I spout the occasional curse word and have thoughts you may deem inappropriate.
When I think of my eggs, I think of a carton of eggs. My carton of eggs. My half dozen, or maybe a baker's dozen. I don't know how many. I'm a hen.
Without going into specific details, I started round #1 of a medication called Clomid and will take an Ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation. To be honest, I'm not comfortable with sharing every little detail with the infertility plan because I feel like I need to protect our emotions, especially mine. The whole process feels sacred. Some days I feel like sharing, others I don't.
Why? Because I'm an INFJ. We're complex creatures. I'm a complex hen.
It's not that I'm ashamed that I'm having trouble getting pregnant. Or am I? No, I'm not ashamed. I don't feel humiliated or embarrassed and I don't feel like I've done something wrong.
I remembered Brené Brown and her research on shame and vulnerability. We both have sons named Charlie. Mine is furry and sometimes looks like a seal, hers I'm sure does not.
I googled and her TEDtalk "Brené Brown: Listening to shame" was the third suggested video so I listened and took notes.
Brene says that "Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior." Wow. Ok, that hit a nerve. I tested and processed what she said.
I've done something wrong to keep me from becoming pregnant. I literally said that aloud and then repeated it.
I've done something wrong to keep me from becoming pregnant.
I was testing myself. Do I truly believe that? No. I don't believe I'm being punished for anything I've done in the past. God doesn't work that way. Once you're forgiven, you're forgiven. None of that old shit counts, ever, at all, finito. I don't feel guilt for not getting pregnant yet.
Something is wrong with my body, with me. But what is it? If I can just figure out what "it" is, then I can fix it and can be good enough to be a Mom, which is part of my purpose.
I'm not good enough, I'm not perfect enough.
I'm not enough…
There it is. I'm not enough.
Yes, I know logically that I'm wrong. I am enough. God created me. David writes in Psalm 139:13-14,
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Pushing or cutting a baby out of my body is not going to ever make me 'enough'. Fostering a child or even adopting one will never make me 'enough'. Any amount of therapy and medications I take will never make me 'enough'. Nothing I can do in this life will ever make me enough.
I am everything I am because of God. I am mere human flesh but my Dad (aka God) loves me just the way I am and He says I'm enough. His Holy Spirit lives inside me. Specifically, His living quarters are just between my diaphragm and liver. If you reach my spleen you've went too far.
God loves all of me, not just the good qualities. Thank Him for forgiveness! God didn't create a copy of me, I am one of a kind with gifts He's given me to utilize for His purpose.
I can't boast "I've beaten shame!". I'm not cured.
I haven't gotten rid of all of it. The realization of shame being a focus on self wasn't an aha moment where everything changed for me. However, it did make me realize that I am a little ashamed of my body, but certainly not ashamed of my self for not being pregnant yet.
We all are constant works of progress, there's never an end to personal growth, until we die. For today though, I can say shame doesn't have its fingers wrapped around my mind or heart. Speaking of fingers…
Eff you, shame.