Disclaimer: Some mild language. I am venting in this post. Giving you a glimpse of where I am mentally and emotionally. A view to what it feels like to foster a child when we've never been responsible 24/7 for a child. We are all allowed to feel the good and the bad. I am self aware to these feelings and realize what LO has went through has been life changing. It's life changing for Adam and I, too.
Can we please take a break from all the "Bring. Ittt'ing?" See my last post for that to make sense.
I need a break. Like, five minutes. That's all I'm asking for.
I don't know which way I'm going. Actually, I do. Every single direction.
I'm sorry to all the Moms out there. I sympathized with you, how hard motherhood is, understood that I truly didn't know what it felt like to be a Mother but it is so much harder than the idea I had.
I'm not doing enough. There is not enough time in the day. I feel defeated. I can't make the perfect schedule to take some of the pressure off.
I just don't feel like a Mom. I feel like an aunt who's long term babysitting. Am I doing this right? Are my actions and words legal? Am I doing anything that would piss off the biological parents? In the past three weeks, I have driven at least 200 extra miles in addition to driving to work, the grocery store and church. That's the equivalent of taking 17 round trips to our local Walmart. I have made or received over 80 phone calls in relation to LO.
I am inadequate. There is a little life I am responsible for that is not biologically mine. There are more rules and laws to follow. Keep LO alive, teach them all the important things, create a bond and raise them. Keep track of medication doses and make sure all doctor notes are faxed to the appropriate parties. Do not teach them about sensitive topics whenever I feel it is appropriate, don't cut their hair without legal permission. There are so many boundary lines we cannot cross.
So how do I get through this? How do I cope with all these things I have no control over? What do I need to do in order to gain some peace?
After lots of thinking, praying and some validation that this mothering shit is hard…
Get back to the basics.
Mark 12:30-31 says,
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”
Going back to those two basic truths is f'n hard. That means taking my self out of it. I'm not included in those two commandments.
This is new territory and we have the maps to follow. Our life is not black and white, there's plenty of gray area but how do you make the color gray? By mixing black and white together.
Yeah, the rules may seem a little odd but they were made to protect the child, biological parents and the state. It's our job to take care of the little stranger in our house, to not cast judgment on the biological parents for their decisions but to love them all. Basically, to love them and treat them as I love myself. And to those who personally know me, I love myself quite a bit.
So when things are getting too gray, go back to the black and white. Love God and love others.
Thanks to all of you for coming to my TED talk.