Disclaimer: Parental discretion is advised. I want to show you authenticity and stay true to who I am everyday. I spout the occasional curse word and have thoughts you may deem inappropriate.
This empty bedroom has seen six years of evolution but never any permanency.
When we moved into the four bedroom house we planned to fill with our biological children, we painted this room dark blue to be used as Mr:D's office until we decided to start our own family. The bedroom is perfectly situated directly across from our bedroom so in four steps from our bedroom door, I could be in the nursery to pick up my crying child.
I begin nesting before we even start trying to get pregnant. The SUV that our first child would learn to drive in was purchased.
Electrical outlets were covered throughout the house, the sharp cornered coffee table was replaced with a stuffed storage ottoman, a baby gate for the top of the basement staircase was installed.
We made the decision to start trying for a sweet baby! We emptied the room and painted its walls a creamy beige for the little boy or girl that would soon come. We were young and healthy but always a nagging worry in the back of my mind, You can't get pregnant.
Baby clothes from my sister's children were saved in garbage bags in the downstairs closet. Finances were strategically saved so we would be covered when I went on maternity leave.
I pinned baby stuff on Pinterest, read articles and the Scary Mommy blog.
The room sat empty, besides temporarily storing the occasional piece of furniture.
After a year and a half later, my craft room took up the space of the empty room.
No pictures or decor was to be hung because I didn't want the walls full of holes when I had to move out for the baby I would get pregnant with at anytime now.
The kitchen has a purpose, the living room has a purpose, the bathroom has a purpose. This room's purpose wasn't to permanently be any other room than our child's room.
In the article How long does it take to get pregnant?, Raina Delisle from Today's Parent writes, "If you take women under 37 years old with no known fertility problems who got pregnant, about 45 percent of them will have conceived within three months, 60 to 65 percent within six months, 85 percent within a year and 93 percent within 18 months."¹
My deepest fear may be true. Something is wrong with my body.
Anger had been my outlet for my whole life and I was tired, my heart was tired, my controlling behavior was just too much. I decided to give control of my life over to God. I was baptized on September 13, 2015.
I started earnestly praying. Life had been rocky for months and Mr:D was let go from his job in February so we were down to only my income which at that time was tiny. He signed up for unemployment and it covered our bills except for groceries and gas. The longing and grief of still not being pregnant was felt in my bones. I went to my gynecologist that summer and we started medical intervention. After three months of medication, we had to stop because the costs of the doctor visits and tests were adding up and so was the credit card. It wasn't time yet and damn, it hurt.
We began visiting the idea of selling the house, the car, how were we going to survive until he found another job? The prospects in his field were very few in this area. Then the unemployment stopped on September 21, 2016. Shit was about to get real fun. I began to totally freak out and got angry again. Where was God? The stress and suffering was getting hard to bear.
Less than a week later, God showed up in all His splendor. I was offered a full time position at my job. Praise Jesus, we were not forgotten. The extra income I would be making was a few dollars short to what he was getting from unemployment. It was absolutely amazing. We kept trying to get pregnant with no luck.
I stopped reading baby related articles, changed the channel if someone was pregnant on TV, cleared my cache, cookies and browsing history so that it would get rid of any baby related ads. I think I made it known to family and friends that I wasn't comfortable talking about babies. I was getting real pissed that I wasn't pregnant.
Mr:D gets a job and decent healthcare! I go back to my gynecologist and take 5 more rounds of medication. Obviously...no baby. We are referred a fertility specialist and at this point, seriously considering fostering a child. We have so much love to give, a warm, spacious home and that empty bedroom. I keep thinking and practically chanting, In God's time...In God's time...His plan is not mine. What if God's plan for us now is to foster? The anger was turning into grief. Grieving for unkept promises and dreams.
August 18, 2017
Hyperventilating, begging God and absolutely bawling on the bathroom floor in the fetal position. Now, I've sobbed before, like really ugly face crying, but I believe that was the hardest and most sorrowful tears I've ever shed for a baby. My snotty, wet face laying on the hairy, dusty, germ infested bathroom floor. Ew, grosses me out to think about it now.
We met with a foster care organization just for some information. The plan was that we would start our application in April because we wanted to remodel and add a family room. The remodel and foster care training could be done simultaneously and in my perfect planning, we'd be ready for a foster child. Planning for everything is my favorite, sometimes I try to take control back from God. I can't help it, He knows this about me.
Annnnnd then...wait for it.........
Our heat pump died. Are you f'n serious?
The new one was installed on March 5th. Our entire remodel budget was gone. The new heat pump is always a stop on our home tour.
Mr:D starts having neck pain in May, which with time, turns into excruciating nerve pain and numbness into his fingers. MRI says herniated disc that requires surgery.
I emailed the foster care organization when would the next training session be. I believe God was nudging me towards foster care again. Neck surgery done, numbness and pain gone, more copays!
So here we are now. Four years and 8 months into trying to get pregnant. I can't help but think that with all these major life events keeping us from getting help with modern medicine to get pregnant, are we not supposed to use it? Financially, we keep getting slammed with events that take any extra money we have.
I wonder if this is what God's plan is for us during this season of our lives? I don't believe in coincidences and I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I don't believe God would give us a desire for a child and then not give us one. I don't believe He matched Mr:D together and lead us to this house if He wasn't going to fill it with at least one child.
I do believe God gave some of us that longing, deep and sometimes painful desire for a child and that He always keeps His promises.
"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" Philippians 1:29
That empty bedroom at the end of the hallway has new carpet now, maybe a set of bunk beds and a dresser full of kid's clothes soon. I imagine a bookshelf with books for bedtime stories, a nightlight and a warm, little person's body tucked and snuggled under a new blanket.
Maybe one day it will be a nursery with a crib, but the job God's given us now, the path He's leading us on is to love on suffering babies that aren't created from our bodies and may never be permanently or legally our children. I have a feeling though they will feel like ours and we'll love them like they are until God decides what's next for us.
Thanks for reading,
¹Bernstein, Mark. "10 Tips on Writing the Living Web." A List Apart: For People Who Make Websites, 16 Aug. 2002, alistapart.com/article/writeliving. Accessed 4 May 2009.